Just my current life – diary

[Note: following text contains personal opinion, not to be taken out of context, without any unfair assumptions, and so on so…. Not sure if I need to include this note as well..]

We foreigners are living a difficult life compared to our fellow finns. Ofc, is an obvious matter for every foreigner, who is away from their homeland, although, at modern times it seems everything is normalized that we don’t have to worry much about these. Even though, here are some of my thoughts on my daily life , though not all things are summarized, most part being the sudden abrupt post that nobody would be interested in, anyways.. blah blah.. have to try to tone it down to make it less serious for serious takers, and make it a bit serious for those who really need it..
First of all, we need to apply for residence permit, also we have to frequently chnge our housing, even pay the rent which ofc, takes most of the expenses. Also, we lack solid base in Finland, that for most part is very obvious, even though Finland has catered too well for foreign student’s needs, it still feels as if its 1950s (a random old year) in my experience, though its quite a modern country. The struggle felt is kind of silly, to what we would have expected, at least my progress rate and motivation seem to be on a downward spiral, although I thank Finland for rejuvenation in balanced work-life at the expense of self-development.
First of all, of many challenges, there is no culture in Finland, for a foreign doctoral student who comes to this new land, in this age, for long term, completely on by own (at least me), only dependence is basic services that are bought like food, water, electricity, internet, heat. It feels like I owe a duty for the money I get paid which is all spent on food, and it seems any effort to earn extra money is worthless and system limits from earning more. Although, as a good student, I should focus on my studies, though I feel I’m doing ok, but not enough as per my expectations, lowering my expectations comes with disappointments. Also, the main motivation to come here was not to do a PhD but to find a partner that I could potentially move with, live with, go back home and travel the world, while I pursue the dreams.
Although, after 2020, and an ensuing heartbreak (3 in fact over the 10 years, for which I still yearn), and learning that nothing comes free, not even food, the actions need justification on why the system turned out like this. Why there is so much disparity and difference of freedom and poverty. It seems the mental scars are not readily visible. Some want to live in their own castles and dreams, which for the life I can go along with, though, I feel there should be a rather good way to do things. World is vast, but people tend to be narrow minded when it comes to present instant reality, where decisions are often made without much thought to anything at all.

Stuff to do for me includes paying back student loan which after 2 years, is still almost same due to its interest (although I did only pay a bunch twice in two years), I had to move at least 5 times, attend 11+ dentist appointments which also cost more, being young in handling finances, opportunity of crypto trading caused a overall loss of 4k, got stolen for few hundred euros from my crypto wallet as well, and owe 500e to a friend who lost over investing scam I suggested, quite a loads of stuff to learn in this sly trickery part of the world.
It also seems there is no help from other, and have to do everything alone and independently, even though there is little help, which I need to appreciate as I don’t want nothing, … but I might just be happy there as well, with claiming everything for myself. Motivation and the drive is spontaneous and not always on, which helps in saving the body exhaustion but also reduces productivity, oh how these 3 years flew by, I couldn’t even find a partner, rather ended up in an anti-social mindset, where adult people even seem to bully and not take things seriously, sometimes I think I should have gone to EPFL, but due to sudden decision based on visa time and no interest to go back home lead to me being stuck here, now that I have invested 3 years, I still feel like I should drop everything and find a new start. IT has been a pandemic, and there has also been a war, and it felt the constant drudgery (although which can be enjoyed as well) is keeping me down, oh how these projects take years, which could be done within days with all synchronicity! I feel like I’m really being inefficient here, and all these years I’ve gained edge over are simply lost as time went faster, as my body tired more easily than ever, and I feel (and felt for past 3 years) the need for more sleep and rest which disrupted daily schedules, also frequent stomach problems (was it the hygiene of public toilet at workplace) caused significant time waste.
That being said (written), I have also accomplished more focus and stable mind, but is also susceptible to love affections and paranoia getting lost in logical reasoning that I’m almost at an end to give up normal living, and live like a monk or a saint, nothing really matters anymore, not even my life as such to myself, the joy of everything seems lost as I dreamt, and a dull reality has appeared which sinks me even further. Though I believe there will be a new phase to this life, but I expect it to be even more narrower that I live now. I have a bit more relaxed constrained free time now, but lack of will, as every moment feels the last and latest I’m living for. Past and future for sure does not exist in reality, though, its existence in my brain has also the fixed points of birth and death and life therein with the constraints of modern reality that fixes everything that one will ever do in life. Is there even a meaning to live anymore? Ofc, reality is not that bad as I see new day promising betted on the hard intelligent work that we all must do, but then the support networks and enthusiasms are still lacking. Petty things like copyright and egoistic matters break things that would be great to accomplish,
there is a video of you can watch:

Sometimes life is sad and under the hood, that we all must learn to endure it. At one point, it is very easy to get saddened over things from view of expectations, though it is one of those feelings that exists in the universe in the brains of these beings, hopefully it calms us down aiding in some other form, would it?, it feels that life must strive for great things, to ideate, imagine, and accomplish. Small things make us happy but also seem to fade away in my memories, as everyday it feels like a blank slate. At some point, it seems one could find beauty in anything (almost anything to be good), but most times I get bored pretty quick, and universe is fixed in a sense, is like a 4D sample from all possibilities of universes existing therein, although our imaginations capture wide set of things that, I think may be possible if this universe ended and another started, or not as I’m unsure of it after all. Forgive my silly writing, thanks for your time.