Experience of the world through the eyes of a human mind

Humans experience as they are existing. Humans do things for an reward of an experience. This experience is affected by information, and evolution of that information on a preprogrammed brain substrate from particular state.
The net experience due to an input evolves in the brain, and new states of thoughts exist.

But for some reason, lately, these few years, my mind all feels numb, except experience of the universe itself, so much have happened emotionally, that I feel nothing, but I also feel everything, also suddenly there is that solid heavy feeling which aches, that have been happening recently, and also there was a time when my brain felt like a ghost is controlling it, also there was a time in 2020 when I felt like I was paranoid, or as if beings beyond 4th dimension are visiting me, it felt like the universe shifted its trajectory, and magical era begun. Magic, all in good and bad sense, it came without any ethics, I wondered how is it possible, I thought of neutrinos, I thought of fabric of space that I am in, I thought about my senses vision and sound, how do they exist in this 3d world, I thought about teleportation wormholes happening in real life, I so wonder if this was due to another person that I deemed or thought of as soulmate, who didn’t want me but the connection stayed within, was it love, or was it some strange phenomenon, or was it just my mind playing tricks on me just to survive, I still don’t know, I still don’t know what happened, I still don’t know why it happened, did I do something, but only good thing happened that now I could spend more of my time by myself without feeling lonely, with the power which propelled me to think without any advice, its as if the universe was guiding me, but it was (or was it) me that was guiding myself by my own thinking or how I think, and I still trust it, but I don’t know where it is leading, its good in a sense, like I can just give up on present superficial attachments to find some that I always wanted,

now I think on myself, how powerful human soul or imagination can be, but I also feel so drained, or blocked in my brain, but then I wait, and I wonder whats going to come, but sometimes I don’t wonder about it.
Sometimes I think universe is fixed, so in that sense, all life is fixed, how its the life and present gonna happen, but again I have a sense of decision, which attracts things I think on but not always, maybe its just a correlation of my mind, or maybe the thoughts came into my mind just because there was going to be those things happening.

It seems as if this new world after magical change has not changed enough, it has only led to the past (maybe its just my brain or not), I crave for change but also I oppose it, in this indecisive manner I exist, it feels very .. that if you give a slight perturbation, it will go all the way.